A Dog Ate My Homework

Before they outlawed education I was a substitute teacher

one week I had an assignment

teaching a 2^nd grade class

When class began that morning I asked the children how they had done

on the homework assignment from the previous few days.

First little boy: “My dog ate my homework.”

Me to self: “OK, I suppose that was possible.”

First little girl: “My dog ate my homework.”

Me to self: “Seemed plausible.”

Johnnie “My dog ate my homework.”

Me to self: “I could see how that could happen.”

Julie: “My dog ate my homework.”

Me to self: “Well, seemed like a reasonable excuse.”

Billie: “My dog ate my homework.”

Me to self: “Unfortunate, but again not outside the realm of possibility.”

One kid after another.

All 30 kids.

Dog ate their homework.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have given them an assignment to build a replica

of the state capital out of dog food.

Circus Cat

sometimes I need
a circus cat

the kind that jumps
out of hollow cakes
at bachelor’s parties

the kind that speaks
five languages
while putting up
the Christmas lights
on your house

rings the doorbell
and runs and hides

where’d she go

maybe I need
to get her a bell

my circus cat

yeah

long may it wave

Casting Out Nines

it was difficult

extreme hard to find

to find such a small

set of handcuffs

one that would fit a chimp

would you like a refreshing beverage?

dapper

dapper was his appearance

dressed to the nines

a monkey in a penguin suit

penguin in a monkey suit

halved citrus fruits

can be used to clean many items

wipe down with water afterwards

there was no expiration date

on the milk cartoon

which carried some uncertainty

some risk

but monkeys

like milk

when King Kong

bought a dairy

the cows practically

milked themselves

with joy

what was needed

was a man with a big

belt buckle

when King Kong

showed up

with a big belt buckle

a single rose

was placed in a vase

on a table

a cow ate the rose

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casting_out_nines

If Lincoln’s Hat Could Talk

It’s too bad that Abraham Lincoln’s hat can’t talk.
I’m sure it would have a lot to say.
Like: Look at me I’m a stovepipe hat and I’m up here,
while you’re down there.
Or: What’s it like being way down there.
Sure is great being way up here.
Or possibly: What’s the weather like down there shorty.
Too bad you’re not up here where you could
easily look down a woman’s top.
Actually, Lincoln’s hat is a bit of a prick,
so I guess it’s a good thing it can’t talk.
It’s too bad the Cat-In-The-Hat’s hat can’t talk.
It might say something like: Look I’m even higher
up here than Lincoln’s hat.
I get a nosebleed just looking at you way down there.
Or possibly: I’m also colorful and bent to the side
way up here. Are you standing in a hole down there?
What’s the deal with these hats?
Why are they such assholes.

Lincoln’s Hairless Cat

Lincoln always wore that stove pipe hat,
but what I find surprising about the history books are they never
talk about him having “hat hair” at the end of the day,
when he took off his hat.
Why is this detail omitted from the history books?
Some say it’s because history is written by the “winners.”
I say it is because it was written by those
who did not have “hat hair.”

Take those hairless cats.
You find so little about them in the history books as well.
Although, you can clearly see in the painting of George Washington
crossing the Mississippi towards the rear of the boat
is his trusted hairless cat, Minxie.
When Abraham Lincoln wrote the Declaration of Independence
his presidential papers mention a hairless cat that sat in his lap
the entire time, which he petted for inspiration named
Captain Fluffy.
Sadly, the role hairless cats played in founding our great nation
is largely overlooked in the history books.

Let’s take a closer look at this phenomenon and what is behind it.
Imagine  some guy is trying to grow a mustache,
but he can’t grow a decent one so he decides to shave it off
and go with a milk mustache.
He has to carry a glass a milk around
to keep refreshing his milk mustache.
But again, his milk mustache makes him feel masculine.
Such behavior is not uncommon in our society.

Abraham Lincoln and Pinocchio Become Best Friends

I’m pretty sure if Lincoln and Pinocchio were alive today
they would be best friends.
Lincoln: You’re my best friend and you’re made of wood.
Pinocchio: What’s with the hat?
Lincoln: I was raised in a cabin.
Pinocchio: What’s with the beard?
Lincoln: I taught myself to be a lawyer.
Pinocchio: I’m getting a restraining order.
Lincoln: I used to celebrate my birthday.
Now I celebrate President’s Day with my friend George.
Pinocchio: You’re scaring me.
Lincoln: I’m 6’4″and made of wood.
Pinocchio: Is it still assassination if it’s a mercy killing?!

Abraham Lincoln Invents Time Travel

The King of England: “This is not the grade of plywood I ordered.”
Joe the hardware store delivery guy: “Give me liberty or give me death.”
The King of England: “When I order 2 gallons of base coat I expect
it to come with a paint stirrer.”
Joe: “Are you wearing a wig?”
The King of England: “Has this sandpaper been approved by OSHA?”
Joe: “Are you wearing stockings?”
The King of England: “Pinocchio is made of wood.”
Abraham Lincoln: “It’s OK Joe. He’s with me.”
The King of England: “Thanks Honest Abe. Did you come here from the future?”
Lincoln: “Yes. I used my spaceship. Here’s your paint stirrer.”
“How’s your penmanship?”

The Abraham Lincoln Troll

 

My day at the zipper factory was substantially less satisfactory than expected.

First, there were no coat hangers in the front lobby.

No coat hangers upon which to hang my coat.

My coat with a zipper.

There were, however, pegs on the wall for people that had coats with buttons.

Me to hideous bug-eyed troll: Shouldn’t you be under your bridge?

Troll: The next factory tour begins in 10 minutes. No firearms allowed.

During the tour it was revealed that Abraham Lincoln invented the zipper.

The troll also let us know that Abraham Lincoln invented the internet

only it was made of wood at the time.

I noticed the troll’s name tag said, “Abraham Lincoln.”

At the snack bar I asked him who won the “Civil War.”

He said it was a good question, but he didn’t know either.

Iditarod

I just completed running the Iditarod with my sled dogs and am bushed.

A doughnut with sprinkles helps me refocus. That and some kale.

One of my dogs had a seeing-eye cat.
The other dogs had been huffing bath salts and drinking cough syrup.

We won because my dogs used pogo sticks.
My dog’s seeing-eye cat also used a pogo stick.

They were shaved, tattooed, and heavily pierced.

The seeing-eye cat was covered with tattoos of dogs… aaahhh a Cleveland fan.

The seeing-eye cat did not drink any cough syrup.
That would crazy.

Spilt milk under the bridge.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iditarod_Trail_Sled_Dog_Race

Tarzan and Cheeta’s Shiny New Year

Tarzan: I love you Cheeta?!!
Cheeta: Too much information!!!
Tarzan: I need a Red Bull.
Cheeta: Is that love as is a man’s love towards his chimpanzee?
Or platonic love.
Tarzan: Is that platonic love as in Plate Tectonics love?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plate_tectonics

Cheeta: Yes.
Tarzan:  Yes.
Cheeta: Red Bull for all!!!
Happy New Year!!!!