When I Found God in Godzilla

Sometimes you need a sunshine optimist.
Or a scapegoat.
Or an indecisive decision maker.
Or a forgetful professor.
Or a go-to-person.
I can never tell which.
That’s too many choices, so I usually just go with the scapegoat.
Or no. The indecisive decision maker.
Or no. The chicken trainer.
Looks like I left him off the list.
Guess I shouldn’t have had the forgetful professor put the list together.
He hates chickens.
He has what you would call an anti-chicken bias.
He teaches at the Chicken University.
I still don’t know how he got tenure.
It’s like the disappointment you feel
when you lose at a game of paintball.
Because your paintball gun jammed.
Because you were using real bullets.
Sometimes it’s right there in front of you.
Like when I found God in Godzilla

The New Role Models

Tough Kitty wins at tic-tac-toe

The starfish isn’t really a fish.
The seahorse isn’t really a horse.
There seems to be either a lot of
misrepresentation in the ocean or
a general lack of knowledge about
animals.

Meanwhile in places other than the ocean

A horse: I’m a fish
A star: I am likewise a fish
Man dressed as a halibut: I’m too am a fish

Horse and star: we are embarrassed for you.

Tough Kitty wins at tic-tac-toe

The Jesus Christ Doughnut

So, it was Doughnut Friday.
Suddenly, my boss burst into the break room
and declared he saw the image of “Jesus Christ”
on all the donuts with sprinkles.
Then he declared what he actually saw was his image
and proceeded to eat all the donuts with sprinkles.

My boss: Why are you looking at me like that?
Me: Jesus Christ.

Gingerbread Clown Riot

Chapter One

It was raining like a rainstorm. The water outside on the pavement was wet.

Coffee in a distant kitchen was churgling.

Joe’s alarm clock ended his sleep and he went into an immediate panic.

He regretted placing the Saran Wrap over the glass salad bowl tight as a drum,

secured with a rubber band. Why, oh why had he not used two rubber bands!

Opening the refrigerator his greatest fear was realized.

The single rubber band had broken and the Saran Wrap no longer provided an airtight seal

over the glass salad bowl. He removed the glass salad bowl from the refrigerator to examine it.

The leaf of Romaine lettuce on top had wilted slightly under the lack of airtightness as Joe’s horror

continued to grow worse. He gently moved to eliminate that leaf of Romain lettuce, but changed his mind

and threw the entire glass salad bowl out the window. He then threw the refrigerator out the window.

Saladless, later that day at his job in the missile silo he sat on a porcupine and initiated a complete launching

of the planet’s nuclear arsenal ending the world.

In the lone surviving “Space station” orbiting the moon coffee churgled.

Haiku Spelled Backwards

Some say the greatest form of poetry

Is the haiku spelled backwards

I say the haiku spelled backwards

Is Ukiah

A small town 60 miles from where

I went to high school in Northern California.

Here you can look it up on Wikipedia.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ukiah,_California

Abraham Lincoln is buried there.

And both President Kennedy’s who were assassinated.

And Popeye.

You can visit Ukiah as a “normie” and enjoy an oyster sandwich.

But if you whisper a haiku backwards

They will realize you are “One of us!”

And speak to you in the language of our Secret Society.

Pig Latin.

They’ll wish you a good day

Uck Fay Ou Yay

Ukiah is known for it’s dead Presidents and dead Popeye’s

We covered this already

I swear

You have the attention span of a small child

What were we talking about.

After you enjoy your oyster sandwich

They’ll wish you a great rest of your day.

Uck Fay Ou Yay

Hguob kcalb, tew a noslateP

;dworc eht ni secaf eseht fo noitirapp ehT

“In a Station of the Metro” by Ezra Pound

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;

Petals on a wet, black bough.

Ukiah

The Happiness Bubble

Sometimes you just wake up happy.

You float around getting ready for the work day,

having breakfast inside your happiness bubble.

You go to work and read your email at your desk

You give a Powerpoint presentation and words come

out of your mouth and even you don’t bother to listen,

because your inside your happiness bubble.

You go to the break room and  pour yourself a cup of coffee.

The last cup of coffee.

And don’t bother to make another pot.

Not from inside your happiness bubble.

Then your boss comes in and says:

“Hey, look at that asshole inside that bubble!”

“Get him!”

And the next thing you know you’re at the landfill

with a seagull pecking at your eye smiling at you

from inside his happiness bubble.

Indigenous Haberdashery

I went to the indigenous haberdashery.
Everyone was there.
It was the best day of my life
No one was without a balloon.
What a bunch of swells.
Actually, no one was there.
It was the worse day of my life.
A man put an iguana in my lap and said:
Happy birthday!
Iguana: I’m also your Christmas present!
Me: Great.

One Day in the Near Future

Woman: Where did that shaved monkey get all those prison tattoos?
Girl: That’s Grandpa. Your husband.
Woman: He has a lot of metal body piercings. Is that to hook him up to farm machinery?
Girl: Yes. Just like yours.
Women: Does he still live at home with his parents?
Girl: They died before he could move out.
Woman: He looks like one of those hipsters.
Girl: Titanium-alloy hip replacement surgery not included.
Woman: Is that you Cheetah?!!
Girl: I’m your granddaughter.

Superbowl update: “God damn Druids.”

Miracle Monkey

Hobo: Things would be different if Miracle Monkey were here.

            We could cross the road.

            Oh, wait. That’s Miracle Chicken.

            Man, I could sure go for some pork rinds and jello!

Popeye: I could go for some spinach and jello.

The Pope: I could go for a crème cheese sandwich.

But there’s no bread.

And no cream cheese.

And no bread or cream cheese in the refrigerator.

And no refrigerator.

I could use a Miracle.

Miracle Monkey.

Popeye: I could go for a cream cheese sandwich with spinach.

Dog to cat sitting on swimming pool’s edge fishing: There’s no water in that pool.

Cat: No problem. There’s no bait on my hook.

Dog: Are you going to eat that last doughnut?

Popeye: Do not have any spinach doughnuts?

Me: Christ!

Cat: Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objects_in_mirror_are_closer_than_they_appear

The Pope: Is that a cedar-lined closet.

I like cedar-lined closets.

I’ve had some problems with moths over the years.

Popeye: Can you store spinach in a refrigerated cedar-lined closet?

Piranha Poem

The lake freezes solid
protecting the baby piranha
from the stomping boots
of my marching band practice
I play the tuba
God sends an angel
she dances on the ice
her ballet shoes
filled with dynamite
she take them to fish heaven

Ahh…. there’s Miracle Monk

Love Chimp

When the officer pulled me over on the desert strip I must have been going 120.

Cop: “About a mile back there. That chicken crossing the road. Ever seen her before?”

Me: “No.”

Me. “What chicken?”

Cop: “The one wearing the same color day-glo orange prison jump suit as you?”

Cop: “The one that has “Love Chimp” embroidered on her lapel just like you?”

Cop: “The one that has a picture of her and you at the Vegas wedding chapel?”

Me: “Oh…. that chicken.”